


Safety Net

by Werepirechick



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: AKA the AU where the family and leo deal with his PTSD realistically, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brothers, Coping, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Male-Female Friendship, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team as Family, best a bunch of teenages and google can at least, but they're okay, they'll get back to being actually okay eventually, they're kind of all not really okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 00:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11242569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/pseuds/Werepirechick
Summary: anon fic request on tumblr:you've mentioned some ptsd leo stuff in the past, maybe after he woke up from his coma he has his first run in with it? how does his family deal with it all? do they for once talk about the issues they all have? (because canon has denied me it for so long and i love your writing)Things are fine at first.Leo wakes up, and he’s fine. It’s a bit of an adjustment, his leg, his, throat, his voice- but he’s fine. Things are fine.Or, they’re fine until Leo picks up his swords, and tries training again.





	Safety Net

**Author's Note:**

> i love leo, and hate him at the same time, and since an anon on tumblr suggested me doing so, i finally got around to writing a leo PTSD story. as such we deserved and were denied by canon.
> 
> (ptsd does not work like that, it does NOT, and i will fight the writers of the show with my bare hands about this.)

 

 

Things are fine at first.

Leo wakes up, and he’s fine. It’s a bit of an adjustment, his leg, his, throat, his voice- but he’s fine. it’s not like standing at the top of the stairs gives him vertigo, or being unable to fight properly leaves him exposed and a little breathless, or he tries and fails to sleep more than five hours in one go-

They’re fine. Things are fine. He’s awake and he’s healing, surely, steadily. Donnie says his physiotherapy is going well; he should be able to walk without residual pain in another… few months. Too many months. Leo doesn’t think about how much time they’re wasting doing this, fighting his leg to make it work right again, and reminds himself that they’re all fine. Things are fine.

Or, they’re fine until Leo picks up his swords, and tries training again.

It’s a little colder, a little cloudier than some days. The wind isn’t sharp though, and there are bits of sunlight peeking through here and there. It’s a good day to work up a sweat outside the farmhouse, finally start pulling himself back together. Try feeling normal again.

Leo sets down his crutch gingerly, and stands back up with care. His leg is still well rested from sleeping, and it barely twinges as he draws his swords. This is the first time since he woke up that he’s held them.

Raph’s his sparring partner, already warmed up from a morning jog with April and the rest of their brothers. “We go slow, okay, fearless?” Raph says firmly. He’s as worried as any of them about Leo re-injuring himself somehow. “You get tired, just stop me whenever.”

“I know, don’t worry. I’ve got this,” Leo reassures him. Raph nods curtly, and lowers himself into a charging stance. They’re just doing basic level sparring for now; nothing extreme or fancy. Just helping Leo’s body remember how to move in a fight. He lost a lot of muscle mass sitting in that tub, and he’s been working hard to get it back. This is a part of that process.

Then Raph runs at Leo, and Leo raises his swords to block-

-metal ringing on metal, a deep voice bellowing at him as blades fly toward Leo’s chest-

-Leo gasps, and his feet slide in the ashy snow as he blocks. His body screams as he does, a dozen wounds all over him bleeding as he narrowly avoids impalement. He yells back just as loud as his opponent, determined to survive this, to get back to his family, to _end this-_

-he tries to dodge away, turn the movement into a spin and come around at the Shredder’s back, see how _he_ likes having sharp blades aimed at vital parts-

-Leo’s leg gives way, and he chokes on the splitting agony that erupts from there.

_“Leo!”_

Leo falls on his side, limbs not responding- _why does he feel so weak?-_ and he struggles to keep hold of his swords as he tries to get back up. His leg twinges with sharp pain again, lacing up and down it. His throat aches and his head is swimming and-

-there’s hands coming towards him-

_“-NO!”_ He shouts, slashing wildly, because not again, he won’t let it happen again-

- _wait, again? What-_

_“-Jesus!”_ someone yells, getting out of Leo’s range. _“Leo, what the hell?!”_

Leo’s vision is skewed, colors blurring around him, but he finally refocuses through sheer will.

Raph is standing a little away from him, giving a look that’s crossed between fear and horror.

Leo’s swords leave his already weak grip.

_“-oh god,”_ He manages, vocal cords painfully grinding as he does. The scene he’d just gotten stuck in edges his vision, and Leo’s mind tries to supress the memories attached to it.

He barely manages to.

Leo’s throat aches with every inhale and exhale that goes through it.

He kind of feels like he’s still falling, but without moving at all.

Raph shouts and their family comes running. Leo’s hearing starts to go weird, sounds becoming distant like he’s underwater, and he can’t quite feel anything of his body beyond the pain in his leg and throat.

He flinches when someone tries to pull him up, drawing away from the person he can barely identify as his brother. One of them, though he can’t say which.

_“Leo? Leo, hey. Hey just calm down-”_

Leo shakes his head, and sees black clad figures closing in on him again. He nearly lashes out at them, reflex to get them off him get them _away_ from him-

_“-ack off, he needs space. Everyone back off and let me talk to him-”_

It’s a little easier to breathe with less people around.

Leo sucks in a hoarse breath, and his throat scars sting.

_“Hey, Leo. Look at me.”_

Leo’s skittering vision finally settles on the remaining figure, and he meets eyes with Donnie.

His brother raises his hands, splayed and calming. “I think you’re having a panic attack. You’re hyperventilating a little, and I’m going to need you to slow down your breathing, okay?”

Leo can’t make sense of the words. He’s still falling.

“Just breathe with me, alright? We’ll do this together. In, and out. In, and out. _Slowly,_ okay? In, and out…”

Leo listens, and his vision stops trying to roll around so much.

His leg and throat are still burning, and he feels the blades cutting right through his scales over and over and over-

-he still feels like he’s falling, off the scaffolding and hitting the ground too hard, air leaving him and pain splintering through all his senses, the Shredder following him down, landing heavily and slicing- slicing right through him, tearing apart his body and he couldn’t even fight back, he couldn’t breathe, _he can’t breathe-_

_“-eo,_ Leo _. Slowly, remember? Focus on me, not whatever you’re seeing right now. In, and out, in, and out, slowly. In, and out…”_

The grey, desolate construction yard bleeds across his vision, mixing sickeningly with the farmhouse surroundings. He can’t tell if it’s really that dark out, or if there’s just too many clouds at the moment. He can’t tell what’s real.

_“Breathe.”_

He keeps breathing.

It makes his throat throb and feel like it’s being torn apart all over again, but he keeps forcing himself to breathe.

He thinks there are other people around him, but they’re just bits of background. The most he can do is stare at the grass- _grass, not concrete, not wood, it’s_ grass, _he’s not there_ \- and listen to Donnie’s instructions to keep breathing.

Eventually, the last of the seizing panic and pain drains away, and Leo is left lying on the grass. Wind blows over him, and a bit of sunlight comes out from behind the clouds.

He stares hazily at a dandelion growing a few feet away. Its stem is crushed. He must have done that when he was- was sparring.

He feels kind of… loose. Disconnected.

He’s so tired, all of a sudden. And he can’t really feel his hands or feet.

He does, however, feel the feather-light hand placed on his shoulder.

“…are you feeling better, now?” Donnie asks quietly.

Leo blinks, and tries to answer. Tries to force sound out of his useless, broken throat.

He gets nothing. No sound.

Leo closes his eyes, and curls on himself. He feels dizzy and lightheaded. Everything is too much and too bright.

“Raph… pick up his swords. We’re done sparring for today.”

 

 

 

Leo ends up in the living room, somehow.

He missed a little bit of time, getting from the lawn staring at nothingness- to being wrapped in blankets beside Mikey.

He kind of hears Raph and Donnie in the kitchen, with Casey and April. They’re talking about him, like he’s not just a few feet away.

He wants to feel a little irritated about that, but can’t find the energy to do so.

_“-knew there’d be psychological effects, but… I hadn’t thought it would be this bad, I’ll have to look over my notes again-”_

_“-t’s my fault, I pushed him-”_

_“Raph, no, you didn’t do anything wrong-”_

_“I did. I should’ve known he wasn’t ready-”_

_“-_ I’m _his doctor, I’m the one who gave the all clear, this was my fault-”_

“Guys!” Mikey calls, putting an arm across Leo’s blanket covered shoulder. “He’s literally right here. Chill with the blame game for a bit.”

Leo sinks deeper into his blanket, and feels shame creep across his cheeks.

He can’t fight, he can’t keep his reality straight- what kind of leader is he?

_“…sorry, Leo,”_ Donnie says.

_“Yeah, sorry,”_ Raph adds.

Leo shuts his eyes, hating the pity he hears in his brothers’ voices.

A pathetic one, that’s what sort of leader he is.

At some point, someone presses a mug of hot tea into his hands. Leo ends up curling himself around it, still tying up the loose ends of his mind. He feels like his head got all shaken up, and now everything is out of place.

It’s uncomfortable. But then again, Leo doesn’t quite remember the last time he felt completely comfortable.

“Leo, can you tell me if you’ve been having any of the other symptoms I’ve listed?”

Leo glances up at Donnie, who’s sitting directly across from him. It’s just the two of them in the kitchen, but he knows Raph and Casey are lingering on the porch outside, and Mikey and April are loitering on the staircase. They’re all trying to give him space, but are unable to leave him alone completely.

“…I don’t know,” Leo says.

Donnie purses his lips, and scrolls through the pages he has opened on his T-phone. “You check out with… a lot of these, so far. Why didn’t you tell us?”

Because he should be fine. These things shouldn’t be bothering him. Because he needs to be a strong leader. He should’ve been able to move forwards already, it’s been nearly four months and they’re just wasting time at this point-

“I don’t know,” Leo says quietly.

Donnie bites his lip.

“From now on, I need you to tell me these things. If you’re going to get better, well, the best therapy is often talking about it…” He pauses, seeing how Leo’s hunched on himself. “Leo, I don’t think you’ve actually talked to any of us yet about this. Not properly.”

“I don’t need to. It’s in the past and it’s over. We should focus on getting my leg back to full strength.”

“Leo… that’s not how this works.”

Leo’s hands grip each other tightly. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Otherwise today wouldn’t have happened.”

The feeling of slashing wildly, unable to tell what was real or not, comes back to Leo for a split second. It makes his throat constrict and other memories try to bubble to the surface.

He forces them all back down.

“I’m fine.”

Donnie sighs tiredly.

“Just… talk to us, alright? We’re all here for you. I know this is hard, but we’ll get through it. I promise.”

Leo just wishes his brother would stop looking at him so pityingly.

 

 

 

“Hey, room for one more?”

Leo glances up from his staring contest with the yard, and sees April standing behind him.

“…there’s a whole lawn here,” Leo says, cracking a small smile. “You can sit anywhere.”

“Yeah, but I want to sit next to you,” She replies, sitting down on the grass beside him. She draws her knees up, putting her arms on top as she looks at him. “So. How’s Leo today?”

“Why do you guys keep asking me that,” Leo says, mood souring. He glances away, returning to staring at the trees where he knows Raph, Donnie, and Mikey disappeared into for training. “I’m fine.”

“Leeeeooo….”

“What?”

“You woke the whole house up last night. I don’t think you got more than a few hours of sleep, max.”

Leo’s cheeks burned, remembering how he’d woken up choking on a scream. One loud enough it woke up his brothers and friends almost immediately, and they’d all piled into the bedroom where he was sleeping. They’d only left after he snapped at them all.

“It was just a bad dream. Nothing more.”

“Leo. We’re just worried about you. You have to talk to us about those things, otherwise-”

“I’m _fine,_ April,” Leo says stubbornly. It’s a bit of a lie but if he says it enough, thinks enough, _wills_ it enough- it will be true.

April makes a _‘yeah I doubt it’_ noise. Leo refuses to look at her. She sighs, and puts a light hand on his shell.

“C’mon, we’ve been friends for- what, a year and a half? No, more. I think we’re almost at two years now. You can talk to me, Leo. You can talk to all of us. Please… we’re really worried about you.”

Weight settles on Leo’s shoulders, hearing her sincerity, and he slowly leans backwards to be flat on the grass. He’s never lain on grass like this before, not with sun shining on him and no one around to be worried about seeing him. It’s soothing, even if his mood doesn’t want to be soothed.

“I just. I don’t _want_ to talk about it,” Leo says, staring up at the sparse clouds passing overhead.

“But you need to,” April counters gently. “Remember all the times _I_ talked about my shitty feelings?”

Losing her dad, finding out she wasn’t human, nearly being used a geo-weapon, losing her dad again… April had talked about those things here and there, Leo remembers that.

“They helped me feel better about everything, trust me. Getting it out gives you a lot more space to actually deal with it all.”

Shredder’s masked face looms in Leo’s mind, and he feels the ghost sensation of his leg breaking. It doesn’t hurt, so much as makes him feel sick.

He closes his eyes.

The construction yard appears there, like it almost always does, and he’s standing right back where he’d been that day. A hundred to one, with the commanding general of that Army going straight for him. The memory twists Leo’s stomach and puts a noose on his throat.

He opens his eyes.

“He didn’t even fight me himself at first,” Leo says, pushing the words out as he focuses on the clouds, not his memories. “He just- toyed with me. Let his Footbots do all the dirty work. Like he didn’t even respect me enough to do it himself.”

April’s hand closes around Leo’s, and he takes a slow breath.

“And how did that feel?”

“…like I didn’t mean anything.”

April’s hand squeezes his, and Leo closes his eyes again. She lets him go quiet after that, and he holds onto her gratefully.

For a while, there’s just the sun, the grass, and a warm hand in his.

 

 

 

“He just… kept coming at me. I couldn’t stop him no matter what I tried,” Leo says, keeping his broken voice steady as he does. “It was like… fighting someone on a totally different level. Different planet, even. None of my training even came close to comparing.”

“…well, he’s a lot older than us, right?” Mikey points out gently, passing Leo another potato to peel for dinner. “You’ll get on that level someday. We just need more time to train, is all.”

Leo holds the potato in his hands, the cold vegetable weighty in his hands. He picks up the peeler again after a moment.

The skin comes away easily. He might not be able to cook well, but he can peel and dice things alright. It’s part of why he’s in the kitchen, since his leg is bothering him a little more than usual because of the rain. It gives him something to do other than sit on the couch in mild pain and boredom.

He doesn’t quite remember when he started talking about The Night, but he did, and Mikey’s been listening to him go in circles ever since.

“I just can’t even imagine a human being that strong,” Leo says, careful to not nick himself as he peels. The skins fall onto the table as he does. “I fought him- have been fighting him, for over a year- and I still just. Can’t. It was so overwhelming.”

“Like something out of a horror movie, right?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

Mikey hums and stands up to grab the garbage can. “I get that. I mean, seein’ him beat up dad like it was nothing… like, he was just so fast, and it only took a few seconds, and… I couldn’t do anything to stop it. None of us could.”

Leo stops peeling his potato, glancing over towards Mikey. His brother is holding the garbage can in both hands, facing away and silent.

Then, he shakes his head and turns around to come back. He smiles at Leo, and starts clearing skins off the table. “But whatever. Dad’ll probably be fine; we can just find him when we go home again.”

Leo watches his brother clean up the table, replace the garbage can, and sit back down to continue peeling potatoes.

As Mikey does, Leo remembers he wasn’t the only one to see the full power of the Shredder on That Night.

“…you know, I’m glad you didn’t get to do anything,” He says softly, even as it makes Mikey’s careful fingers stop moving. “If you had… you guys could’ve ended up like me.”

Broken, useless, deadweight…

…Leo can walk, but he can’t run. Can’t fight. He’s still weighing them all down. And it’s killing him.

“…I wish I’d gone with you,” Mikey says, returning to peeling. “I wish we all had. I wish you hadn’t gone off on your own at all, and we’d stayed together. Then none of us would’ve gotten hurt at all.”

Or all of them would have, Leo thinks darkly. They all could have died that way.

It’s better he’s the only one who’s been broken. His brothers still have a chance to save everything. Leo just has to hurry up and become functional again, enough that they’ll give in and go back to New York sooner than later. The world needs them, and so does their dad. They don’t have time to waste on him.

Leo says none of those things, and goes back to peeling.

“I’m just glad you three are okay.”

“…you’ll be okay too, Leo. We’ll make sure of it.”

Leo’s doubtful they can, but the sentiment is appreciated.

 

 

 

While his brothers are busy and his friends are occupied, Leo picks up his swords again.

He’s alone, behind the barn. There’s nothing but the wind and forest sounds surrounding him. It’s calming, and the total opposite of what the city sounds like. He holds onto that contrast as he slides into the very first stance he ever learned.

He goes through the steps, careful of his leg and painstakingly slow. He tests the soundness of his mind and how it’s holding up with the second go. It holds, and he’s able to keep breathing calm and steady as he goes through the motions.

No visions creep across his vision. No fear grips him until he chokes. There’s nothing and no one here except for him and his swords.

Leo swipes his swords through the air, elegant arcs just like he’s been trained to do. It feels good. He feels like he’s in control again.

This is him. This is who he is. Not the mutant that can’t sleep and can’t stop seeing things that aren’t there. This is him.

There’s loud clattering behind him, and Leo’s calmness snaps.

He whirls, swords pointed at whoever is intruding. His breathing suddenly feels harsh and fast, and he casts wild looks around.

Wood planks along the side have been knocked over by. By.

There’s a person.

In a.

Mask.

Leo’s vision tunnels, and he can’t think straight.

“Leo- fuck, Leo, chill out!” The masked person yells. The silver metal mask is removed, thrown violently away from the person as he raises his hands. “Look, look it’s gone. The mask is gone. I’m sorry I snuck up on you, okay? Calm down, man. It’s just us here. No one else.”

Casey.

That’s Casey.

He was wearing a welding mask. It’s just them. They’re miles from New York and there’s no reason for Leo to be pointing swords dangerously close to his friend.

He lowers his weapons, and feels his grip on them trembling.

Casey looks pale, and he slowly lowers his hands as well.

“Okay. Okay. So that. Happened. Fuck. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have been wearing that stupid thing outside the barn. I didn’t mean to spook you.”

Leo puts his swords back in their sheathes before he drops them.

“Leo?”

He unwillingly looks towards the welding mask again. In hindsight, it looks nothing like the Shredder’s. But. The coloring. It’s enough to invoke the same images in his mind.

“Dude. Talk to me. What’s going on in that head of yours right now?”

Leo shakes his head, and steps backwards from Casey. His leg twinges and he goes to find his crutch. It’s right by the barn wall where he left it.

He somehow ends up sitting down inside of picking it up to walk away.

“Leo… come on. Look at me.”

Leo shakes his head again, and covers his eyes.

He can’t speak at all. He’s ashamed and he’s still shaking.

“Alright, so no talking, then. Or eye contact, I guess. Do you mind if I sit down?”

Leo shakes his head again. He can’t talk and he can’t look at Casey- but he doesn’t want to be alone.

“Cool. I’m just gonna sit here,” Casey’s footsteps sound purposefully loud; he sits with a thump close to where Leo is. But not too close. “and we’re just gonna chill for a bit. Sound good?”

Leo keeps his eyes covered and focuses on breathing.

“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Too many horrible memories try to push themselves into Leo’s blacked out vision, and he forces every one of them away.

He focuses on breathing, using the exercises he and Donnie have been practicing.

He eventually is able to uncover his eyes, and start rubbing at the mess of scars along his leg. Replace the ghost sensations with real ones. Stop feeling like he’s being carved apart.

Casey sits silently beside him, playing with a muted game on his phone.

Leo’s nerves go numb after a while, and he slumps tiredly back against the barn. Sometimes the numbness is better than the pain. Now is one of those times.

He looks up at the sky, which is bright blue and seems to go on forever. He reminds himself that the weather on That Night was nothing like this. That they’re far from New York and he’s only got his family with him.

He’s safe. He can breathe.

“…thank you. And I’m sorry.”

“No problem. And I’m sorry, too.”

They sit there for a moment, quiet again.

“You wanna go snatch the TV from Mike?”

“Yes please.”

Anything to ignore the ringing embarrassment in his ears.

 

 

 

Leo has a violent nightmare that night, right after he nearly sliced open Casey.

He can’t muffle the scream, and for a solid thirty seconds he’s still in the dream, still being torn apart into useless pieces by a monster he can’t stand against, let alone hope to defeat-

-then there’s hands grabbing his and Leo _freaks-_

“-’m sorry, I’m sorry, look, I let go, I’m not touching you,” Mikey says, backing off. “No one’s touching you, Leo.”

Leo’s hands shake as he pushes himself up against the headboard, breathing rapid and uneven. He sees his other brothers filing in, and their friends lingering in the hallway. They’re all looking at him with sad expressions, and it makes everything worse.

He’s so tired. Tired of being broken, tired of not being able to fight, tired of not being able to even _sleep._

He’s so tired.

“…everyone go back to bed, I’ve got this,” Donnie says quietly, shooing everyone else out. They seem reluctant to do so, but obey. Mikey casts one glance back at Leo, and Leo looks away in shame.

Donnie comes to sit on the bed with Leo. The one he gets to have by himself, because he’s injured and healing, while everyone else doubles up or takes turns on the couch. He doesn’t feel deserving of the special treatment.

“So, what was it this time?”

“You know exactly what it was.”

“No, I don’t. It’s your head, your nightmare. You have to tell me what’s in it for me to understand.”

“It was- ugh. It was the construction site. And. And him… tearing up my leg, again.”

His brother makes a sympathetic noise. Donnie raises a hand, holding it out to Leo. “Are you alright to touch now?”

Leo’s scales feel hyper sensitive to every touch. All the silvery little scars across them feel raw and new.

“…no.”

Donnie puts down his hand.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Leo thinks about being alone, in the dark, with his thoughts and memories crawling back into his waking mind and-

-he shivers, and shakes his head.

“No.”

“Okay, I’ll stay, then.”

Leo sits, curled over his knees, while Donnie leans against the headboard. His brother is quiet for another few minutes, and during that Leo slowly pulls himself back together. He doesn’t feel like he’s dying quite so much afterwards.

Still, though. Everything is awful.

It’s been awful for a long while.

“I have an idea,” Donnie says suddenly, after time has lapsed. “What if I keep watch?”

“…what?”

“Would it help if you knew someone was awake and on guard?”

Leo thinks about that. He can’t defend anyone right now, not even himself. Donnie is perfectly capable of defending the both of them, no matter what shadowy enemy might come for them in the night.

“I think so,” He says after some thought.

“I’ll go get my bo. Just wait here.”

Donnie comes back a few minutes, with his bo staff across his shell and two cups of warm milk in his hands. He pushes the warm ceramic into Leo’s grasp, and it starts chasing away the cold numbness that had settled there.

Leo finishes his milk, puts the mug on the side table, and lays down to try closing his eyes again. Donnie remains on the other side of the bed, his weapon leaned against the wall right next to him.

Leo shuts his eyes, and tells himself that Donnie is there. He won’t let anything happen while Leo sleeps. His brother’s got him.

Leo sleeps through the rest of the night uninterrupted by nightmares, possibly for the first time since he woke from his coma.

Donnie has bags under his eyes the next day, but he greets Leo with a smile when he finally rouses.

“It’s no big deal. I don’t sleep much anyways.”

But, Donnie _does_ need to sleep sometime, and he’s bullied out of being night watch for the second night in a row.

Mikey comes into Leo’s room after Casey, April, and Raph have bustled Donnie off to his and Raph’s room. Mikey has a pillow under one arm, a light and book under the other, and a smile on his face. His nunchucks are holstered on his belt, and Leo spots a few throwing knives alongside them.

“Hey bro, I’m night guard today. Budge over.”

Leo does so.

He briefly has one nightmare he can vaguely remember, but Mikey’s warmly yellow reading light is what he blearily wakes to, not the dark or a cold construction yard. His brother is absorbed in his reading, and Leo watches him until he falls back to sleep.

Things are less awful, once he starts getting full nights of sleep. Sharing space with people gets easier too, even if he feels a little embarrassed about needing someone with him to sleep.

No one makes any mocking comments. Or any comments at all. They just rotate whose night it is to watch, and do so like its normal.

Leo appreciates it. It’s starting to feel less like pity, and more so like plain old care.

 

 

 

He talks to them. About That Night. About the things he sometimes sees or feels that aren’t really there.

They listen.

It gets easier to speak what’s clogging up his mind, and they keep listening.

Leo has meltdowns and bad nights and bad days, and they help him through them.

He keeps going.

He starts to feel less tired. Less useless. Less like a burden. Less like he’s still dying slowly.

Things get better.

 

 

 

Leo gets back to being able to gently jog, almost run on a good day. It’s not much, but it’s an improvement.

He feels a lot better lately. He’s optimistic, and it’s a feeling he hasn’t had in a while. Maybe he’s not as broken as he feared.

He goes jogging with Raph the most. Sitting around waiting for Leo to finish healing is hard for his brother, Leo knows that. Raph is the sort who needs something physical to do or he feels like he’s doing nothing.

So. Jogging.

Honestly, it’s Raph who does the most with Leo’s physiotherapy, after Donnie. Leo knows it probably gives his brother some sense of purpose on their farm, and that it eases the guilt Raph still holds onto for causing Leo’s first panic attack.

He. Still has them. It’s not fun, and they’re still finding new triggers now and again. But he’s getting better at handling them, and he hasn’t lashed out at someone in weeks. Touching is also easier, post those freak outs. He doesn’t flinch away so much anymore.

A part of Leo thinks those are miserably low standards to have for himself, but another part, that sounds like Donnie’s voice, says they’re excellent ones. Getting better isn’t going to be as fast as he wanted it to be, and the night guards, and asking if he’s alright with touching, and respecting the moments when he can’t talk at all- help. It’s helping and he’s feeling less sorry for himself these days.

And, he loves his family for helping him like they are.

He thinks he’s ready for another step towards full health today.

“I think I’m ready to try sparring again.”

“What?” Raph asks, shooting Leo a surprised look. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am.”

Raph gives him a look that’s a mixture of concern, guilt, hope, and that pinchy expression he gets when he’s thinking deeply about something. It makes him look constipated.

Leo elbows Raph, and laughs. “I know my limits now, I’ll be fine. Stop looking like you haven’t shit in ten days.”

“Oh ha ha, fuck you. If this is what I get for being concerned about your health, then I’m out.”

“But your tender nursing is all that’s keeping me going, how could you remove that stable pillar of strength in my life? It could be detrimental to my long term recovery.”

“You’re spending too much time with Donnie, god. Shut up already.”

Leo laughs again, along with Raph. They’re good sounds, the laughter, and ones that are coming to Leo easier and easier lately.

He picks up his swords that afternoon, and the grips feel familiar. Just the right amount of wear and tear, and evenly balanced in his palms.

He knows the rest of his family is anxiously watching from the porch. Medical kit at the ready and the tenseness that comes with being worried about someone you care for. Leo recognizes that care for what is now, instead of the pity he thought it was.

They choose to go with something as far from slashing blades as possible. Leo is sparring with Donnie, whose bo staff’s naginata blade is well out of sight and mind.

“You can stop whenever you need to,” Donnie reminds Leo.

“I know, thank you,” Leo says.

He makes it through the first five minutes without even needing to rest.

He feels like something slides back into place for that, and feels alive.

 

 

 

Eventually, he can run again. Eventually, he can spar for hours again. Eventually, he can even sleep unguarded and not be plagued by nightmares.

Casey starts wearing his masks again, in plain sight of Leo, and it only briefly messes with Leo’s internal metronome. That’s his friend, one of his best friends, and there’s only a source of comfort to be found with Casey by his side in a fight.

Raph and Leo try sparring again. The sound of metal on metal takes a few sessions to readjust to, and then they’re golden. Raph is his brother, and though they’ve fought in the past, Leo knows the sound of their weapons pitted against each other as well as he knows the sound of their brothers’ wooden ones. It was a staple in their lives for years, and it becomes that again slowly, steadily.

Leo has panic attacks, and nightmares, and sometimes can’t speak.

Those things aren’t going away.

He gets past those moments anyways, and keeps going.

His family helps him do so.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> my blue son. my poor blue son. this one is so much closer to functional and kind than his canon self. ugh.
> 
> i really feel for this kid, sometimes. he drives me nuts but he also pulls on my heartstrings since he got such a raw deal in canon. (leo why are you so hard to love but also not love. stop being pitiful. eergh.)
> 
> kudo and comment me on your way out, thanks. <3


End file.
